“Learn everything you can from the past, and then let it go. If, earlier in your life, others could not express their love to you, it was because they were blocked, not because of some defect in you.” Dr Brian Weiss, 2015
“And I will awaken you by counting up from 10 to 1… with each number you will feel more and more alert… 1…. 2… 3…”
My face was wet with the tears of my grief… and horror. What had I done?
“4… 5… 6…”
I gently released the experience of that life… a high ranking girl with aspirations to the priesthood… and brought the healing back with me.
Image: Introspect by Ramasamy Chidambaram at freeimages.com
My baby sister was not gone. I had left her to her fate without a thought… and she was sitting right beside me.
I opened my eyes and her dark velvety eyes looked right back at me.
“Are you OK?”
“I… I… I…” deep breath. “I was Indian. We were together. You were my little sister and I was a … shitty big sister. I thought you were a pest. I am so sorry. I didn’t look after you and I should have. I am so sorry.”
A river of tears poured from my heart.
In some quiet corner of my mind, I wondered if she thought I had lost it… crazy or opportunistic… it didn’t matter. My heart was the open wound you feel when you lose your child and find her again.
And then the miracle happened.
“I didn’t want to say anything. I thought you would think I was crazy. When I met you, I saw my mother’s eyes. I thought maybe you were my mother.” Bhavi’s tears mixed with mine. “I forgive you. I love you.”
I held her and rocked her like she was still the baby in the orange tunic I had just left. “I love you too.”
We cried and cried, and like any good mother should, I supplied the tissues for snotty noses from the depths of my suitably stocked handbag. The tissues rained down like confetti at a wedding.
Then Bhavi lifted her dewy eyes to mine with wonder “It’s gone… that feeling. I don’t feel unloved anymore. It’s gone.”
PS The third miracle was that in searching for an image that looked like Bhavi in India in the 1500s, I found her again… in a free image on the internet… this is exactly how she looked to me.